Let's just see what comes...

She was 27, 15, 14, 13 and 2.

And now I can't remember.  Is it 30, 31, 32, could it be 33?
And how long can this continue to go on?
That is the most amazing part of this all, the absolute continuancy.
And once she is gone, it will still continue on in so so many ways.

In the way my finger nails are small, round but with a slight squaring at the tips, just like hers.
In the way I catch my reflection on a tired, sullen day and I see her in it, for only a second before quickly changing my face.
In the way I see a man, standing there by the tree, and I can't ever imagine allowing myself to want to know him.
And the other man, older, greyer, sitting on the bench by the slide- in the way I see I monster when I don't even know who he is.
In the way I dance, the way I move and the way I scream.
The way tears come readily to my eyes when there is seemingly no reason to cry.

And it will continue on with the whys.  The why why whys.
In sadness and wreckage and failed attempts to heal.
In patterns of predictions

In lies continuing to be taught
In accidents and hate
in other people, as if it determined by fate.

And I'll hear her in songs
Feel her in those fields of golden oats
the smell of existence rising from dirt turned to mud by early autumn rains

I wonder about you
Where you are and who you are
Who I am
and I guess at the connection
while attempting to sever it and save myself from this infection

But its in me I feel it
Black and thick, evil and ingrained
Like  an additional murder victim,
forgotten and left to decay in this house

This yellow house
Filled with screams and roses
and shattered glass.

Filled with children too keen for their time
Destroyed by moments behind closed doors
and no dress placed on that little girl
no new stories told
could ever replace the everything that was lost

And now the sighing, the yoga, the salads, the journal
The defiance
And even the admittance
are petty attempts at covering
this consistent fall from grace

Bright stage, true audience that won't leave when the show gets bad
Sitting
Still
Could it fix?
And draw the curtain
an end to continuance.